2 Years

Two years ago, my life was completely changed. My outlook on life, what I wanted, how I viewed the world, the things I said, the actions I made – all of it. Two years ago was the longest day of my life. When I woke up that morning I knew something wasn’t right, I just hoped that my intuition was wrong. It wasn’t.

If you’ve followed along here over the past few years you know that two years ago I gave birth and subsequently lost my son. While I was only 16 weeks along in my pregnancy, I went through an experience that will never fade in me or my family’s memory. This moment while defines my views on life now, doesn’t define me. It did however provide me with the humbling ability to see the world in a new light. It continues to remind me not to get caught up in superficial things, and when I find myself doing so, he comes back into my mind and my soul and reminds me to take a step back and reevaluate. My son.

After his birth and during my recovery I didn’t immediately share the nitty gritty details of what we went through on that April day two years ago; and to this day I have in small pieces but only when it has felt right or safe to do so. However, it has been two years and while I still don’t understand why it had to happen, I choose to believe God must have had some reason for everything that transpired that day. He must have believed that myself and my family were strong enough to handle it, and challenged us to do so.

Even though we didn’t have confirmation of our baby’s gender prior to his birth, we had this strong proclivity towards a name which we would have used had he been a girl. The name we had chosen for this baby meant “fair headed warrior” and “strong”. Even though upon his arrival we discovered our inclinations of his gender were off and we weren’t going to use that name, the meaning of it felt perfect. You see, he was born alive. He had a heartbeat and drew breath. He came into the world only for a short time, but strong enough to allow us physical time and touch. We were blessed to hold him. To sing to him. To name him. To pray for him. To tell him we loved him. One of the hardest things about that hour was knowing that there was no alternate ending. The time was short but a blessing, and a blessing I know not everyone gets.

It is because of this moment in my life that I try to keep perspective always. For the last two years I try to remind my friends and family how much I love and care about them as often as I can. In today’s world that feels like a movie we are all cast in, I know from personal experience how important it is to be neighborly, kind, caring – a good human. So while this post has been more of a stream of consciousness stemming from my son’s second birthday, it relates to today’s society in that I hope we all can heed the warnings of public health officials and take this seriously. Let’s all just do the right thing. While it may seem hard, unreal, and even distant, let us do the right thing and just get through it. The sooner we take care of one another from afar, the sooner we can closer together.

3 thoughts on “2 Years

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